Monday, October 10, 2011


dear sunday night customer:

hi there. you were such a friendly lady, and we talked pleasantly as you returned 6 shirts with the proper receipt. all shirts were sporting the attached tags, and so i gave you your cash refund. after you left and while preparing to hang them onto the correct clothing racks, i noticed that one of your shirts would not stay on the hanger. upon examining the shirt more closely, i realized that you had taken a pair of scissors and had cut the small front panel from the shirt in order to create a more revealing profile. also, there were makeup stains on either side of this area.

so you altered this cheap cotton shirt in order to create a more risque top?????? good grief.

shocked and puzzled shop girl

thank you, sweet customer

dear sweet customer guy,

shortly after the snarly woman customer haunted my register station, you showed up with three bright pink golf shirts in your hand. you had a university tee-shirt on, so i asked if you were buying them for your athletic staff. you said, no, you were buying them for your high school football coaches to wear on friday night for the breast cancer awareness national event.

you were so sweet. you were so genuine. you were so grateful to be getting these three shirts from us after shopping all over town to find them.

you more than made up for that horrible lady.

you made my work fun.

shop girl

dear grumpy customer

dear grumpy customer:

when you came to my counter with a stack of clothing from the children's department, i greeted you pleasantly. i scanned each ticketed item as i chatted in a friendly manner and listened to you talk about your grandchildren. you seemed like a pleasant lady. then i got to one item that had no pricing bar code on the tag. the bar code had, in fact, been torn off. you asked me to just scan a similar item. i offered to go back to the children's department to find another item to scan. you said there were several more of them, only in different colors, right on the clearance. rack.

after searching for several minutes, i returned to my counter and admitted that i had found none. i suggested that i go ahead and ring up all the other items and then you could go back there to find someone to help you. you said, in a verrrrry snarly voice, "I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE!" you asked why i could not find it. i told you i had never worked in that department. i called my manager, who told me to go ahead and scan a similar item and check you out. too late, you apologized and said that you had just wanted to get in and out of the story in a hurry. dear customer, if that was true, why did you not check out in the children's department in the first place. i will never wait on you again!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

shop girl

Saturday, October 1, 2011

make me cry

dear valued customer:

you may or may not know this, but all of us shop girls have sales goals to meet each shift that we work. when we clock in on the register at the beginning of our shift, there is a number that represents what we are expected to sell that day. it can be a reasonable goal, or it can be so totally outrageous that it makes us nervous.

in order to meet this goal, there has to be a lot (and i mean a LOT) of luck involved. here are some examples:

1. your favorite shop girl has been your personal shopper while you were in her department, asking questions to determine EXACTLY what to show you. she has spent well over ten minutes with you, even bringing you different sizes to the fitting room or has walked halfway across the store to find another perfect item. she has most definitely established a real "connection" with you, providing service above and beyond what you are used to at any other department stores. and then......then.......when she loses track of you as you wander out of the fitting room with your purchases in hand, you just walk up to the shop girl behind the nearest register (a,k.a. "lazy register hog") who has spent that entire time ringing up sales and let HER take our poor little shop girl's sale. *sob*

2. you want to pay your bill at our shop girl's counter. there is a customer standing behind you who wants to purchase a stack of clothing. shop girl has said, "of course, i can take care of your payment." at this point, you attempt to find your checkbook, you sloooooooowly write the amount on your check, you carefully rip the check from your pad. you perform an archeological dig into the layers of your purse to find your statement. all the time shop girl is waiting patiently but whimpering inside as she watches the paying customer walk away to another counter. a lost sale. no progress on that sales goal. *sob*

3. shop girl has personally walked you to the exact rack of clothing that you were wanting to examine. she has riffled through the rack and has found your exact size. then you walk off and pay for it at the shoe department. shop girl knows this because the shoe department clerk has returned the hangers to little shop girl. shoe department girl has gotten your sale, and she has not had to do a thing to earn it. oh......also, shop girl is not allowed to ring up shoes (because they work on commission) but they are allowed to ring up our merchandise. *sob*

4. see above item, but this time picture someone from the cosmetic's counter also returning hangers to our little shop girl. yes, same situation. no sale for little shop girl. *sob*

these four examples demonstrate just why your favorite shop girl has lost her smiley face for a moment.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

the coupon game

dear valued customer:

yes, very often we have coupons (especially valuable during our "best sale of the decade days"). you will receive these coupons in a mailing with your monthly statement or by clipping them from the newspaper. the proper protocol for use of said coupons is as follows:

you (henceforth known as the customer) will approach my counter with your deck of coupons clutched in one hand and your clothing selections in the other. you will then fan your coupons as if playing a card game. you will say to me, "will the 20% coupon work on this purchase." in turn, i will scan the price tag on the item and either reply, "yes, i can use that coupon" or "no, i cannot. go fish."

in a more complicated game, we can fan out all coupons on my counter (henceforth known as "showing your hand" so that i can chose the best combination of coupons in order to save you the most money. for example, if you have a $10 off on a $30 purchase coupon AND a 20% off coupon, i could suggest that we ring up your purchase in two separate transactions.

if i am in a bad mood, or if you have up to this point been a disagreeable customer, or if the use of coupons game threatens to cut into my daily sales goal, i may or may not play along.


customer color codes

if i managed the store, this is what i would do. i would provide a table at every entrance, and on these tables would be very large (think dinner plate size) stick on labels. the customer, upon entering the door, would chose the appropriate color of tag to wear while wandering the aisles. it's a win-win situation for both of us.

green (or "jade" in our very fashion forward world) would mean the following:
1. yes, please approach me with your genuine smile and chipper greeting.
2. yes, please make small talk to establish a "connection" with me.
3. yes, please show me the latest fashions and/or walk me personally to the proper area of your department to help me find the perfect item of clothing to suit my impeccable taste.

yellow (or "saffron") would mean the following:
1. yes, you may approach me with your standard sincere greeting.
2. yes, you may ask if i am just browsing or need some help.

red (or "mulberry") would mean the following:
1. do not even THINK about smiling at me.

simple, yes?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

mr. credit card customer

dear mr. credit card customer:

when you told us you wanted to make a payment on your store credit card but that you did not have it with you, we said, "no problem, mr. credit card customer. all we need is to see your driver's license and ask that you input your social security card number on the signature pad." what we did not expect is for you to become upset with us for asking for your SS number. you told us that you felt it was an invasion of privacy and refused to comply with our request.

but mr. credit card customer, may we ask you one thing? did you not remember that you had to provide your SS number in order to apply for the store credit card in the first place?

shop girl